Beauty for Ashes

Have you ever felt like something was coming?  Heart racing....eye twitching....kind of anxious...like prom night..butterflies in your tummy...seeing your favorite person on the planet walk through the door something was coming?

I have had this feeling all week, and I can't shake it.  I have no rhyme or reason to feel this way.  My quiet time is still riddled with unanswered prayers, but this time it just feels different.  Something.is.coming!

And I hope it's good.

I read the final sessions of my James bible study this week.....I started January 1st, but when I cracked open that book for the first time, I knew that I would take my time.  I would really meditate on the lessons, and if I knew I wasn't in a place to really inhale and ingest the lessons, I wouldn't force the issue.  You can do that when you are studying alone.  I loved every bit of it.  Every in your face, uncomfortable, love for the poor, love for the weak, love for the sinner, examine your heart, examine your motives minute of it.

However, about the last couple of lessons in James, I could feel God asking me what I would do next.  Which lesson I would embark upon....what I would slough off of myself for the next ...6 months....ha!

I started feeling like getting my house in order...cleaning out closets, drawers, organizing, really taking a good look at my finances, and cutting off the fat, saving more (seriously, who am I), and just getting free.....

So I set out to find the perfect bible study for me.  But more importantly, I asked God to show me what He wanted me to do.  And in true Saviour fashion...He did not disappoint.

I've never really had a scripture that I lived by, read all of the time, have everywhere in my home, but in late 2013, God started showing me that everything that I thought I had lost, He would give it back to me.  It was in my dreams, thoughts, the theme of most scriptures I read...it was a real word that I needed, and still need.

Isaiah 61:1-3

New International Version (NIV)

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

61 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]

2 

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

3 

    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor.

Little did I know that Beth Moore has an entire study on those very precious verses to me, Breaking Free.  I am so happy, and so excited to see what God will do through me as a result of what I learn.  So happy to get rid of some baggage, junk, mess, stuff, just ugh!  I can't wait to get rid of it!!!

So, I'm starting this new journey, with an expectant heart, knowing that something is around the corner. Whatever it is.....I know it will display His splendor.

How Deep the Father's LOVE for us...

I remember when I used to feel sorry for myself because I felt I didn't have a 'testimony.'  Did you just spit out your coffee?  I mean, the simple fact that I'm still above ground is a testimony, but you see, I thought I wanted triumph over troubles, periods of darkness in my life that only God could illuminate.  All of course resulting in a Beth Moore bible study that would move the mountains of doubt from anyone's mind...or so I thought...

How foolish could I be?

I am positive that there have been moments that my silly prayers have literally stopped God in His tracks, and caused Him to pause at the work HE has created...and shake His head.  I mean, praying for a testimony is like praying for patience.  No one does that!

I thought that my then current state wasn't sufficient enough to move others toward God, or allow them to see the work of His hand in my life.  I'm sure I sound completely foolish, but this is the truth nonetheless.

I've mentioned before that when most people look at me, they see a 'good girl,' someone who doesn't struggle, want for much, dare I even say, have it easy.  I'm sure I get judged, not necessarily in a bad way, but in a you don't know what I'm going through way.

I was never the child that had to actually participate in the wild, wayward activities that my friends did to learn the hard lessons.  I was totally fine learning from them.  I calculate EVERY decision that I make, seriously, I lie awake for hours wondering if I've made the right choice.  I won't do it if I think I will fail. I hate failure...I hate to hurt, and I hate to put my love and affections in things that end up not deserving it.

But, I have learned that not moving for fear of failure, not loving for fear of rejection is NOT the Jesus way.

A couple of months ago I was at my grandparent's farm, and my grandmother dropped the most prolific, profound, and life changing words on me.  Seriously, I repeat those words to myself every day.  I had just asked her how she got her sweet spirit, what causes her to still have faith in people when I know she has personally encountered so much heartache and pain at the expense of jerks people.

Her response was simple, and I haven't been the same since.  She said she tries to see people how God sees them.

So simple right?  But so hard to do.  Especially when they don't love you back, or they have hurt you, or you feel like they don't deserve love...especially your love.

But what if God treated us, like we treat others?  What if His love was conditional.  Based on our past performance, and deserve level.  Where would we be?

I'm telling you, those words will set you free, and catch you up, all in the same breath.  I love to love people.  But what I found, was that it was only when they loved me back.

I do not want to sound like I have this thing all figured out.  But the last couple of months have caused me to have to love some hard to love people.  My eyes have been opened to just how powerful love is. And I'm not just talking about the romantic love, but the people love.  The love you can show towards those no matter what they are doing, because quite frankly friends, that's how God loves us.

Loving Well

I have an obsession with painting my nails....and I've become REALLY good at it! Of course I still get my bi-weekly manicures, but weekly, I relish in changing my nail polish. I'm always on the hunt for the perfect color...and now that it's Spring....it's ON!

Today's color of choice, a throwback...cotton candy! But who knows what's in store for tomorrow. I'm thinking hot pink...or maybe Aphrodite's Pink Nightie...yes, that's a color thanks to OPI!

I started a new quiet time devotional today: Beth Moore's Loving Well. The first day, and I'm already underlining, growing, and really wanting to learn to love God's way. One of the questions from today: 'What marked change or transformation has come about in the way I love?' Geesh....not enough lines. Maybe because I am such a sinner, yet a perfect God loves me inspite of my flaws. Or the fact that 'love bears all things,' and here lately, I have come face-to-face with what that really means. Or how about the fact that God measures maturity by how we love. I could go on and on!

One of the snippets I underlined at the end of today's prayer: 'Teach me to love others well by giving of myself-- even beyond what I am capable.' Talk about from my heart to God's ears.

It can be exhausting to love, and sometimes, that love can be unreturned. But who am I to think that if the God of the universe can be unloved despite His endless love for His children, that I won't experience some of that? I am not always at the top of my game. I'd even venture to say that most days I fail, in a major way. But, the desire is still the same. To love as God loves....and with a goal like that, I'm bound to get better eventually!