Friday, February 26, 2010

I'm trying...

Because I really can't/won't go into details, just know that things around here have been interesting to say the least. I made a decision that one day I just may share with all three of you who read my blog, and I'm certain it was the right one. As of today, I'm sure only one other person on the face of the earth agrees, and she's bound by BFF law.

When I made this decision, it wasn't to be mean spirited, cold-hearted or immature. It was honestly the best decision for me at the time, and one I feel Supported in. However, not everyone is seeing my point of view. The details are still a little too raw for me, and this may be something that remains hidden in the pages of my journal, but I've learned a very important lesson throughout all of this; judgmental people STINK! And to think, that so used to be my this how it feels to be on the other side of that sin?

I was sulking to a really good friend of mine today, and her sweet reply was, "don't take it out on me..." (I later received permission to continue my fit...but only for today). My reply, "I'm trying." And I was, but sometimes, when those gates open, how super hard it is for you to close them. I mean, I'm trying to pretend that sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never NO! I'm trying to muster all of the patience I have with my students as we enter TAKS season on Wednesday. I'm trying to pretend that I am becoming more open...that I'm not so closed off, and that I don't break out in hives when I consider being really 'naked' (not literally peeps) with the ones I love. Maybe it's OK for me to be guarded, cautious, skeptical...but's exhausting. At an attempt to show a little shoulder...I'm trying to pretend that I don't see my 30th birthday turning the corner fast, the look in my Mother's eyes when she holds my cousin's baby...the way she says what she'll do when she becomes a grandmother...more like 'if!' Oh goodness...I'm so trying!

I'm trying to tell myself that one day, I'll be so knee deep in itty bitty baby laundry, spit up, stinky diapers, formula...etc, that I'll long for the nights when I could go home, eat Apple Jacks for dinner, and go straight to bed. I'll long for that girl who could help a friend in need without considering anyone else...who could stay out dancing all night(ok, maybe I'm making this part up)! Who could hang out with her favorite people in the entire world, and not look at the clock to hurry home....but today, I'm that girl that turns the lock on her door and walks into an empty BUT quiet house, or better yet, who is Ms. D to about 154 wild, crazy sophmores. Two of which just stuck their heads in my door for a quick "I love you." SO SWEET!

So as I've written this post, and received a little love, I can gently hear that in this season, I'm not going to get what I want, but what I need. And that's a job I love, friends and family who rock my world, and a single life that is ready to serve...that'll just have to do!


Landrea D. said...

I know this may or may not come as a surprise to you...but I love your blogs. They make me feel closer to you even though we have drifted throughout the years. You will always remain one of my inspirations and personal heroes! Love you Jarv!!!