Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Treading water really isn't surviving at all.....

One of my friends knew I was having a hard time processing yesterday, and asked me if I wanted to write a letter about the midst of all of that was going on...I had to chuckle. Writing for me does make it better. It's getting so that I rarely write in my journal, my thoughts too quick for my poor hand to keep up. I'm preferring the speed the keyboard of my laptop affords me. BUT, my heart misses the privacy my journal gives me. Not that I have any deep brooding secrets, but just because!

Bottom line...I miss my journal...and my church (I've been out of town the last 4 weeks, and I can feel it). Random interjection I know, but I think what this all boils down to is that I miss my Jesus! No, He hasn't gone anywhere, and neither have I, but I firmly believe that it's my lack of mobility that is the bigger issue. I am coasting. Treading water.

I'm allowing past disappointments and failures to ruin what's going on now, and 1) that is so unlike me, and 2) that contradicts what the Word says.

I know that there is a life of excellence ahead of me. I can't rest in mediocrity, and I long to make it all work, and to make it all fit. BUT, I wonder, just maybe if I'm overloading on what I know I should be doing, and what is already in my life, to forget and kill the desire of what I really want?!?

This school year is barely coming to a close, and trust me, when the next one'll be the biggest year of my life to date. I can count 4 MAJOR projects that I am personally involved in that will require ALL of my time, and while it makes me happy on one hand, it scares me to death on the other....because what if I do all of this, you know, to build the Kingdom and what not, and I never get 'found?' Let's do a motive check...geesh! What if I'm 50, and never reach my dreams, and never have a family...what if?!

You may judge and think that if these are my problems, then I've got it made, and you know, I might just have to agree with you, but I had a little anxiety attack yesterday, because I know that each of these 4 projects is what I've been called to do, but I have heard no guarantee that I will ever receive what I want.....and that my friends, scares me. I know it sounds like I'm saying God owes me something, and I know that He doesn't.....and I hope you know that that's not what's in my heart....

It is so not easy following the will of God, but I know I'm better for it....I know I am! I'll write more later, I've got a long day/night ahead of me.


The Ross' said...

beautifully real (and that is refreshing!!) of the best things about surrendering and walking in obedience are the wonderful surprises we're given along the way...the unexpected gifts. his ways are higher than our ways. (truth im trying to apply to my own life right now).

you are doing it...and i'm personal inspired and challenged. thanks my friend.