Psalm 138:8

Have you ever had a scripture that was your scripture? You know what I mean?  It points directly to the situation you are dealing with.  It immediately quiets your fears, and stirs your heart.  It is God's little post-it note just for you...What about attending the church service and feeling like the pastor read your journal while preparing the message?  I must admit, I love when that happens.  It's like God knows the concerns of my heart, wants me to know that He hears me, and He cares about what I care about.

Psalm 138:8 has been that for me lately.

The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, 

O Lord, endureth forever: 

forsake not the works of thine on hands.

When I start to panic because I feel that I am not where I should be, I quote Psalm 138:8, when I have despair because a situation looks totally unfixable, I quote Psalm 138:8.  And do you know what happens?  I instantly feel at peace, because I know that God's got it.

But I must tell you a secret.  I have been so wishy-washy with God's plans for my life lately.  I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.  It seems like in the same minute, I can be so resolved, so hell bent (I'm not cussing..lol), on staying the course, and seeing this thing through to the end, and poof, just like that...I'm over it...full blown temper tantrum; kicking and screaming...I don't want to do it!

Yep!  Wish I were lying to you, but I'm not...here's the story...

A couple of months ago, I was approached by my church to work on a couple of projects; namely a Youth Discipleship Program, and a Purity Program.  Now, as I sat in this meeting, my hands wrote the notes to capture the moment, but my heart and thoughts were racing...I had a smile on my face, but on the inside all of the sirens were blaring!  (Gotta love the English teacher in me..lol)

I mean on one hand, I was super excited...and by the time I had made it to my car, I was totally unconvinced.

The original deadline to have a timeline and plan of action in place was October 10th...a couple of days before SPARK, and I'll just be honest, even though something came up and my deadline was extended; I wasn't ready to do it, because I didn't want to do it...even though I know I was supposed to do it.

And I know exactly why.  I know exactly the plan I want for my life, and this little excursion, isn't in my blueprint.  Now, some of you as you read this are rolling your eyes and judging me, because you know that I will not win this battle.  I may delay the blessings that await me, I may even travel off course, but I won't win.  I know this....trust me I know, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I'd much rather be married, having my own kids, and prepping my own babies with hearts for Jesus.  I mean really Jesus, when can we move on?!  I don't want to be that girl that turns into a grown woman (even though technically I am grown, but sometimes even I question it), and never gets married because she's so wrapped up in the Kingdom business.  Does that sound just as horrible as it reads?

But seriously peeps... God love David, and his heart for Jesus, his total life committment to the things of God, but I am NO DAVID!!!

And then those words creep in...'the Lord will perfect that which concerns me...'  Even though it's not my ideal perfection...even if we take a plane instead of the nice train ride I had planned...He will take care of it.  And that is good enough...even when I don't feel it all the way to the soles of my feet, it is good enough.  It is. Yes Lord...

Thanksgiving 2012

Hey y'all!  I hope you guys had a wonderful Thanksgiving!  I must admit, it was very difficult for me to get a lot of work done on Monday and Tuesday of last week because I was so anxious to get to my family, but I managed to plow through, and before I knew it, I was headed north on I-45!

This year we did a little something different for Thanksgiving...we had breakfast at my cousin's new house, and then headed to the Dallas Cowboys stadium to see them take on the Washington Redskins!!!!  (We had Thanksgiving dinner on Friday...)

I'll be honest, I was totally going for the Redskins!  Many of you know that RGIII and I grew up together in the very same church, and such!  He is also a Baylor Bear!  So, there was no way I could NOT root for my homie...regardless of where I was...lol.

During the National Anthem...I LOVE that part of games...

This was during the coin toss!

My entire family came to the game, but we pretty much split once we made it into the gate!  LOL!  I sat by my sweet Granny!!!  This is my cousin Eboni!

Before I left to head to the farm, I put up my Christmas tree.  I wanted it to be up so that I wouldn't have to do it when I got home.  I know that most people wait until after Thanksgiving, and I will do that after I have my family...right now, it's all about convenience.  Every year I have the thought/prayer that it is the LAST tree that I put up as a single gal.  Only God knows right?! LOL..  Here she is in the flesh!

I LOVE my tree.  I love the holidays.  I love Christmas music, and how people just tend to be a little nicer during this time of year.  I DO NOT like the food comas I encounter, but the food is so good! I'll be at the gym tomorrow morning...I can feel the dressing, mac and cheese, and sweet potatoes in my thighs...lol

I came back Saturday and was home for about an hour before heading to Marcus and Malitta's gender reveal party.  I am happy to announce that my little bundle of love NEPHEW will be here in April!  I love him so much already...I can't wait to kiss his little cheeks and feet! 

Danni came down for the party, and IT WAS SO GOOD seeing her.  We hadn't seen each other since M&M's wedding in January, and we had a lot of catching up to do.  I love my sweet friends, and I love my little nephew!  I can't tell you how lucky I feel to have amazing friends in my life.  Not everyone can say that, and I am truly blessed.

I'll leave you with a little video I took during the big reveal moment.  It is so precious and captures just how excited we all are!  I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!

A paint my nails kind of day...

I don't like when people cry..it breaks my heart.  I hate when people I love have crappy things happen to them.  Life can really give you a kick in the gut sometimes...

Many times I don't know how to separate praying for someone, and not being completely paralyzed by what they have to endure.  I am a fixer.  I like to think that there is a solution to each and every problem, but I'm learning here lately that there isn't, and sometimes you just have to pray...and try not to worry.  I am a worrier.  You often won't even know, but most days I have worried myself sick over everything from the grocery list-to writing grants-to what other people think-to am I pleasing my parents...it's a MESS!  But I'm digressing....

I joked to a friend the other day that I'm in a season where random people will just want to talk to me at the most inconvenient times.  Normally when I'm rushing (which is daily), or preoccupied, (when am I not), or just because I am in my head, and trying to find a solution to some problem, and having an internal battle of paying attention to them or myself!  As you can see, I wear myself OUT!

Anyway, back to what I was saying....I've been trying to be more in the moment, and attentive to what is going on right then and there.  I feel like most of my life is spent in the future....what I have to do, didn't do, need to do, can't wait to do...don't want to do...I think you get the picture.  Sometimes I can have entire conversations with people, walk away, and have no clue what we just said.  Isn't that sad?  I apologize if you've ever had to encounter that.  I am truly trying to get better.

I know I'm not alone in thinking that if I just knew the end, I could quite possibly behave better in the middle...if only it worked liked that!  But alas! I have no clue.  I don't know how it will end when I pray for my people.  I don't know what God has in store, and I can't begin to tell you why sometimes it sucks to be a good guy...oh yes, I said it!  Nope, it doesn't always feel worth it, and NO, rarely will you not go through the fire....but I can tell you one thing...you won't smell like smoke!

I just wish I remembered that all of the time.  Because on a day like today, when I truly feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions, and worrying (yeah I know it's a sin, but I'm a sinner) about the next big whatever, I can't help but be anxious.  And today, I am anxious.  I don't know why...is something coming, will I be tested in something, or maybe it's just that I know of some heavy hearts out there, and there's nothing I can do about it...I don't know.  But I do know that Jesus is higher...and, I will paint my nails today (I do that when I'm nervous/anxious...lol!  (and drink sweet tea)!  AND PRAY!  LOL...just keeping it real peeps!

Anyway...I've got to head out...I've got a Pink meeting at the crib today, so that means I'm cooking and folding the laundry that I've ignored on the love seat for a week...later gators!

How Deep the Father's LOVE for us...

I remember when I used to feel sorry for myself because I felt I didn't have a 'testimony.'  Did you just spit out your coffee?  I mean, the simple fact that I'm still above ground is a testimony, but you see, I thought I wanted triumph over troubles, periods of darkness in my life that only God could illuminate.  All of course resulting in a Beth Moore bible study that would move the mountains of doubt from anyone's mind...or so I thought...

How foolish could I be?

I am positive that there have been moments that my silly prayers have literally stopped God in His tracks, and caused Him to pause at the work HE has created...and shake His head.  I mean, praying for a testimony is like praying for patience.  No one does that!

I thought that my then current state wasn't sufficient enough to move others toward God, or allow them to see the work of His hand in my life.  I'm sure I sound completely foolish, but this is the truth nonetheless.

I've mentioned before that when most people look at me, they see a 'good girl,' someone who doesn't struggle, want for much, dare I even say, have it easy.  I'm sure I get judged, not necessarily in a bad way, but in a you don't know what I'm going through way.

I was never the child that had to actually participate in the wild, wayward activities that my friends did to learn the hard lessons.  I was totally fine learning from them.  I calculate EVERY decision that I make, seriously, I lie awake for hours wondering if I've made the right choice.  I won't do it if I think I will fail. I hate failure...I hate to hurt, and I hate to put my love and affections in things that end up not deserving it.

But, I have learned that not moving for fear of failure, not loving for fear of rejection is NOT the Jesus way.

A couple of months ago I was at my grandparent's farm, and my grandmother dropped the most prolific, profound, and life changing words on me.  Seriously, I repeat those words to myself every day.  I had just asked her how she got her sweet spirit, what causes her to still have faith in people when I know she has personally encountered so much heartache and pain at the expense of jerks people.

Her response was simple, and I haven't been the same since.  She said she tries to see people how God sees them.

So simple right?  But so hard to do.  Especially when they don't love you back, or they have hurt you, or you feel like they don't deserve love...especially your love.

But what if God treated us, like we treat others?  What if His love was conditional.  Based on our past performance, and deserve level.  Where would we be?

I'm telling you, those words will set you free, and catch you up, all in the same breath.  I love to love people.  But what I found, was that it was only when they loved me back.

I do not want to sound like I have this thing all figured out.  But the last couple of months have caused me to have to love some hard to love people.  My eyes have been opened to just how powerful love is. And I'm not just talking about the romantic love, but the people love.  The love you can show towards those no matter what they are doing, because quite frankly friends, that's how God loves us.