I remember when I used to feel sorry for myself because I felt I didn't have a 'testimony.' Did you just spit out your coffee? I mean, the simple fact that I'm still above ground is a testimony, but you see, I thought I wanted triumph over troubles, periods of darkness in my life that only God could illuminate. All of course resulting in a Beth Moore bible study that would move the mountains of doubt from anyone's mind...or so I thought...
How foolish could I be?
I am positive that there have been moments that my silly prayers have literally stopped God in His tracks, and caused Him to pause at the work HE has created...and shake His head. I mean, praying for a testimony is like praying for patience. No one does that!
I thought that my then current state wasn't sufficient enough to move others toward God, or allow them to see the work of His hand in my life. I'm sure I sound completely foolish, but this is the truth nonetheless.
I've mentioned before that when most people look at me, they see a 'good girl,' someone who doesn't struggle, want for much, dare I even say, have it easy. I'm sure I get judged, not necessarily in a bad way, but in a you don't know what I'm going through way.
I was never the child that had to actually participate in the wild, wayward activities that my friends did to learn the hard lessons. I was totally fine learning from them. I calculate EVERY decision that I make, seriously, I lie awake for hours wondering if I've made the right choice. I won't do it if I think I will fail. I hate failure...I hate to hurt, and I hate to put my love and affections in things that end up not deserving it.
But, I have learned that not moving for fear of failure, not loving for fear of rejection is NOT the Jesus way.
A couple of months ago I was at my grandparent's farm, and my grandmother dropped the most prolific, profound, and life changing words on me. Seriously, I repeat those words to myself every day. I had just asked her how she got her sweet spirit, what causes her to still have faith in people when I know she has personally encountered so much heartache and pain at the expense of
Her response was simple, and I haven't been the same since. She said she tries to see people how God sees them.
So simple right? But so hard to do. Especially when they don't love you back, or they have hurt you, or you feel like they don't deserve love...especially your love.
But what if God treated us, like we treat others? What if His love was conditional. Based on our past performance, and deserve level. Where would we be?
I'm telling you, those words will set you free, and catch you up, all in the same breath. I love to love people. But what I found, was that it was only when they loved me back.
I do not want to sound like I have this thing all figured out. But the last couple of months have caused me to have to love some hard to love people. My eyes have been opened to just how powerful love is. And I'm not just talking about the romantic love, but the people love. The love you can show towards those no matter what they are doing, because quite frankly friends, that's how God loves us.
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