Thursday, November 15, 2012

A paint my nails kind of day...

I don't like when people breaks my heart.  I hate when people I love have crappy things happen to them.  Life can really give you a kick in the gut sometimes...

Many times I don't know how to separate praying for someone, and not being completely paralyzed by what they have to endure.  I am a fixer.  I like to think that there is a solution to each and every problem, but I'm learning here lately that there isn't, and sometimes you just have to pray...and try not to worry.  I am a worrier.  You often won't even know, but most days I have worried myself sick over everything from the grocery list-to writing grants-to what other people think-to am I pleasing my's a MESS!  But I'm digressing....

I joked to a friend the other day that I'm in a season where random people will just want to talk to me at the most inconvenient times.  Normally when I'm rushing (which is daily), or preoccupied, (when am I not), or just because I am in my head, and trying to find a solution to some problem, and having an internal battle of paying attention to them or myself!  As you can see, I wear myself OUT!

Anyway, back to what I was saying....I've been trying to be more in the moment, and attentive to what is going on right then and there.  I feel like most of my life is spent in the future....what I have to do, didn't do, need to do, can't wait to do...don't want to do...I think you get the picture.  Sometimes I can have entire conversations with people, walk away, and have no clue what we just said.  Isn't that sad?  I apologize if you've ever had to encounter that.  I am truly trying to get better.

I know I'm not alone in thinking that if I just knew the end, I could quite possibly behave better in the middle...if only it worked liked that!  But alas! I have no clue.  I don't know how it will end when I pray for my people.  I don't know what God has in store, and I can't begin to tell you why sometimes it sucks to be a good guy...oh yes, I said it!  Nope, it doesn't always feel worth it, and NO, rarely will you not go through the fire....but I can tell you one won't smell like smoke!

I just wish I remembered that all of the time.  Because on a day like today, when I truly feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions, and worrying (yeah I know it's a sin, but I'm a sinner) about the next big whatever, I can't help but be anxious.  And today, I am anxious.  I don't know something coming, will I be tested in something, or maybe it's just that I know of some heavy hearts out there, and there's nothing I can do about it...I don't know.  But I do know that Jesus is higher...and, I will paint my nails today (I do that when I'm nervous/!  (and drink sweet tea)!  AND PRAY!  LOL...just keeping it real peeps!

Anyway...I've got to head out...I've got a Pink meeting at the crib today, so that means I'm cooking and folding the laundry that I've ignored on the love seat for a week...later gators!